You know when you know what to do with your life but you fight it anyway and then that in turn makes your life hell. Life has been really hard lately. I have been struggling with the idea of becoming a mom for about 3 years now. I want to have kids more than anything but I have this incredible fear of ruining my child. I haven't had great examples of functional parent child relationships so it's hard for me to imagine that bond as a good thing. This last year I have had an intense huger for the family thing. It's kind of like a panicked, Now is the time!!! So I jumped, and we got pregnant. My world was calm for a moment, then 6 weeks later I started to bleed. I have never seen so much blood in my entire life and I knew. We went to the doctor and they had confirmed that I had miscarried. It was rough. It took 3 years to try and then it didn't work and to top it off my 45 year old mom is having a baby. The day I miscarried she called and told me she was dilated to a 2. I was crushed. My mom can not afford a baby nor can she mentally raise a child. If you look at my little sis and I you know that we have been pretty messed up, plus she physically shouldn't be able to carry being in her mid 40's. Then there is me who would do anything in the world for this child and lost it right when my mom is due. It kills me. Maybe this time she has learned and will do things differently but with my experience people rarely change. Things have gotten better though. I told myself that maybe it wasn't time for us to have a family but that's not true. I don't know why this happened but I feel like we need to keep trying. It's hard for me to trust God but I have no choice. Yesterday Adam got me to admit that I still want a baby and we need to keep trying and then it was like the weight was taken off my shoulders. The same thing happened when Adam and I were avoiding the marriage topic. Life got bad until we were open to doing the right thing. I have never regret that decision. So now we move on ( and have lots of sex ). Mind you it's going to be hard going to the hospital when my mom goes into labor, but I feel stronger. Thank you everyone for your strength and your comments. You inspire me more then you'll know.(web.njit.edu)
6 comments:
You are amazing!
I love you! You are soooo brave and I'm so proud of you and Adam. You ARE going to be an AMAZING mother!
Sorry to hear what happen. I'm sure you and Adam will both do a good job with your kids!
It's interesting that when we finally let go what we want and are just willing to accept what's coming how different things rapidly change. After years of desperately wanting baby, we Bren and I just let go and decided to see what was coming, we got Luke.
We both wish you the best! Whatever comes will only prepare for the future!
Hey Cassandra! (still cant call you Cassie ;)
I hope its ok that I am commenting on this blog, I know it is pretty personal. I just want you to know that I know what you are going through (not entirely, but I think I can sypmathize).
I dont know if you read my blog back in the beginning of the year, but I also had a miscarriage. I was about 10 weeks along when I found it. It was devastating, and I still have a tough time deciding if it is the right time to have children, 7 months later.
Anywho, my heart goes out to you and I hope you are doing ok! When it does happen again I have complete faith you will be a GREAT, loving, wonderful mom! If you ever want to discuss anything, feel free to call or email me :)
801-916-9920
shantasaurusrex@gmail.com
That must have been devastating, I am so sorry. You will be an amazing Mom! You are so cute. Good luck with everything, I'll be thinking about you! Love ya!
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