Adoption is hard, there is no doubt about it. You have to endure hell while being naked emotionally. There is no way to balance feeling ready to open your heart to unconditionally loving a stranger's child while protecting your heart from being smashed into a million pieces. Yes we knew it could go this way but that didn't stop us from hoping, praying, and preparing for this little angel to enter our lives. We had packed the diaper bag, prepared a babysitter, stocked up on diapers and formula. We built a relationship with a mother in need. Adam read her favorite book. We had taught Noah about being a big brother and transferred all we had into our bank account in order to write the check. We even picked out our favorite name. We were ready.
Then came the dreaded call. It was almost 9 pm when our case worker contacted us. We thought maybe our birth mom had gone into labor. Jodi gave us the news that BM had chosen to parent.
It hurt bad. I tried not to take it personal but I did. Am I a terrible mother? This little one will now survive being raised by a 22 year unemployed single mother of 3. Did BM believe that this would be a better situation for the baby than being loved by us? But who am I to judge, it was never our baby.
I know I don't deserve the honor of being a mother and I often wonder why God sent us our beautiful little boy. I feel as though we have have pushed our luck by getting him and by trying for another is being greedy.
1 comment:
You are an amazing and deserving mother. Of that, I have no doubt. That little guy is the luckiest kid in the world. You do not deserve all the problems that you have been dealt. You are strong. Much stronger than anyone should ever have to be. You have amazing spirit. Through all of your difficulties, you have stood up and continued on. The pain that you have gone through with this adoption is horrible. You are totally justified in feeling like the fight is too much. One thing that I do know is that there is a baby out there for you, at least there will be. I know that when you hold your baby for the first time, all that pain and anguish will disappear and you will think that it was all worth it. You are in the trenches and it is not okay right now. I do believe that there is a light at the end of this long tunnel. You are so loved. Obviously by myself and my family, but by so many out there that are cheering you on. Saying 'if there is anything that I can do' feels so inadequate. We are here for you in whatever way you need. We love you.
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