Barbie is seen as the epitome of the perfect woman. If you think of the perfect woman in the terms of the mini Cali state I live in, the perfect woman is the at-home-mommy type. Someone who loves to scrapbook, majored in Family and Consumer Science Education in college, maybe works as an Elementary school teacher, is trendy in a conservative way, and owns an SUV (or plans to). I'm talking about those sweethearts that you would never wish anything bad on but you want to hate because their life seems so perfect. This miscarriage as taken my faith and shook it up in a snow globe. Anyone who has dealt with fertility issues knows how going to church makes you feel like pouring salt in your wounds. We are in a family ward and so women proudly parade their baby bumps. Those who are not growing in diameter are coddeling their brand new infants in their arms. It sucks. A wife of one of the bishopric counsels is preggo with number five. Five? Can't I just have one? The sinful envy entangles my soul and I get so angry. At least it's not at God anymore. It's more of a general anger and I really need to find a portal to relieve some of the pressure. Friends all over the place are announcing that their pregnant and they are all due when I was. That really sucks. To cope with the pain I find myself getting to second base with an old friend of mine named Mr. Eating Disorder. I know that makes no sense but I guess I feel like you may be pregnant but at least I'm still skinny. It's stupid I know. So I will just sit here and suck on my lemons and maybe I'll learn to trade them in for something sweet.
5 comments:
I know the feeling of having Church being salt in the wound after a traumatic event. Although I can't understand what you're going through, I hope that you'll be able to find resolution at some point.
I can't imagine going through what you went through and still go through. You are amazing and we love you.
We truly feel sorry for your loss. In fact, it scared us away from making our announcement any sooner. We hope we aren't adding to your pain. Let us know if there is anything we can do for you.
Hey Cassie, I'm really sorry to read your last post! I really always struggle with this- people have so many different trials and it's tough! All I know is that there is always hope (Mike annoys the crap out of me when he says that to me!!!! And he says it all the time! b/c I'm so pessimistic) But it is true. Stay hopeful.
Ron and I definitely understand the pain, but as with all trials, it will pass. I remember hating Relief Society lessons and feeling like everyone was rubbing it in that we couldn't have kids. However, I did finally learn that a lot of people just don't realize the pain that you are going through and the way their comments can make you feel. Through it all just remember that the Lord loves you and that we love you guys. I know that one day you are going to be an awesome mom!
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