Everyday I wake up thinking all is well and I'm doing so much better. Then I step out of the house on my way to school and see at least 5 pregnant women. I don't think it's just me. Look around, they are everywhere taking over our minds with their unnatural joy. It makes me want to throw up (no offense). That's all people talk about. I blame it on my choice of "Holy State" that puts me in a position where I feel like the old baby maid at the age of 24. To top that I know about 16 couples that are expecting the second week of May. Sound familiar? That was when I was supposed to have my baby. How does that happen? Did you know there's only a 20% of getting pregnant if you do the deed during ovulation. How is it that all of these women succeeded all at the same time and how were all their cycles the same to all be due the same week. That week. Kung Fu Panda taught me there are no accidents. If that's true, why is it my mom has a baby at 45 with no complications while I loss mine and then I have to watch everyone month by month get the gift that I wanted (and still want) so madly. What the frail? It's like my wounds just started to clot and someone decides it would be fun to take sandpaper to them. We have started trying again but I have decided that my uterus is very skilled in the "seek and destroy" method against foreign invaders. I think I need a break. You know when you keep trying at something and for some crazy reason it just never works out and then you realize that life is telling you to go another direction. I don't know if that is the case in this situation but I can't take the monthly let downs anymore. I'm sick of this emotional roller coaster.
On a somewhat happier note (okay not really) "The Pregnant Man" (Who is totally the bearded woman who had a mastectomy and currently has no junk. She has a uterus for heaven sakes!!!) just announced that he is having baby #2 in June. That kid is going to be messed up. Again, what the frail?
3 comments:
Do you really have a toxic Uterus? I sure hope not! ;)
I think the one thing that helps me cope with seeing all of the baby bumps out there is this: You have no idea what those woman have gone through to get pregnant. Yes, there will always be that irresponsible teenager or older lady who gets pregnant on accident, but remember, about 80% of women have had miscarriages. Maybe those woman you see who are pregnant were just like you. Wanted a baby so badly, then lost it. Or maybe they have been trying for years an years, and that baby bump is a miracle.
I dunno, its just so easy to become bitter and sad, and you definitely have a right to be. At the same time, know that everyone has struggles and sooner rather than later, you will have a baby of your own and maybe someone will look at your with those sad eyes and wish it were them. You know you can get pregnant, it will happen again. I promise!
Love ya Cassie!
Dear Cassie, I don't even know if this will help you feel better or worse, but I'd like to share it with you. I know I'm one of those 16 couples, but it just seemed like we tried forever. We had an appointment scheduled to talk with my doctor. Then, I started school again and Brian started school. We just didn't have time to worry about it. (And I know that's easier said than done.) It was the only month when I didn't count the days and do all the stressful-hopeful-can't wait to see-then another month goes by things that we do. I know I don't know you super well, but I want you to be happy. You are so strong. It will come. We're praying for you!
Can you forgive me if I admit that I had no idea you were pregnant the first time? And can you forgive me for being one of those moony pregnant ladies myself?
I do understand your sadness. I felt the same way about getting married. I wanted that (and babies!) soooo much I could hardly stand it. And everywhere around me people were getting that gift and not appreciating it. Made me so sad. I mean, heck, I deserved to have a family, right?!
Hang in there and know that when your children are ready there won't be any way to stop them. And having them around will erase all the disappointment and loneliness and jealousy you've felt in the meantime.
In the meantime, I'll send some good pregnancy vibes your way. ;)
Love you!
Heather
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