Losing pregnancy #3 has by far been the hardest. It might be because it took a year and a half. It might be because it took medications, tests, and an insemination to get here. What I really think makes it the most devastating is with the diagnosis of recurrent miscarriage our dream of becoming parents has been completely shattered. I have been on low dose aspirin so it's not a blood clotting disorder. My progesterone levels are great so it's not a hormonal disorder. In fact, my body has been stubborn in giving up this one. I have a D&C scheduled for next week. I think deep down inside it knows that this will be the last time it will get to produce those coveted double lines. The truth is that the little ones just stop developing most likely due to chromosomal issues. My doctors want to run loads of tests, but 7 out of 10 times they won't be able to find anything wrong. I don't know what to think or what to do next. I want to adopt but we have dug ourselves into a financial hole paying for infertility. I'm not sure how long it will take for us to rebound with enough money to pay for the adoption. I just wish I knew why this all happened. I wonder if God hears our prayers. I wonder what steps I need to take to deserve the incredible blessing of being a mom. I wonder if it is my rebellious soul who sealed my fate of having a difficult life. Will my marriage survive all this pain? I feel like my heart has been ripped out with a butter knife. The golden question is... What do I do now? I'm so lost.
6 comments:
I'm sorry. I do not think this is any form of punishment. You have so much heartache to deal with please don't allow yourself to think this is your fault. Your marriage with stay strong b/c you and Adam are amazing for each other.
My heart and prayers are with you.
There are no words that can express how sad I am for you. I can only say that I hope you will find strength and comfort somehow, somewhere. I'm so sorry.
Im so sorry! I cant even imagine what you are going thru. I have been dealing with the infertility part, but I havent ever gotten pregnant. I am honestly scared to death that once I finally do get pregnant... I wont be able to carry it. I do understand the feeling of wondering if I will ever carry a child, or wondering why me, what I did to deserve it. Just remember you are not alone in the infertility. I actually just jumped back in after losing my mom and taking a bit of a break. I am in my emotionally psychotic stage, so I am naturally sitting here crying while reading this. Remember you are not alone and there are tons of people who care about you and are praying for you.
So sorry to read of your loss...my sister in law has endured a similar experience...she has an incompetent cervix and has lost multiple pregnancies....I just had twins via invitro fertilization myself...I have offered to carry their child for them if they determine they have exhausted their efforts...perhaps you have someone in your life that woul dbe willing to do the same...only time will tell....I hope you get what you need in life....
Cassie and Adam, I am so sorry. Really there are no words. Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.
Oh wow. I am so so sorry for your loss(es). I guess we all have our trials in this life, but not all of us are as courageous and honest about them as you. I hope you find comfort somehow. Stay close to your husband; with or without children, you should be each other's most important person.
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