2013 New Years Resolutions

2012 was a productive but an emotionally difficult year.  Building a house is a very big deal, a huge financial obligation that now I hold on my shoulders.  Though I know that it is what had to happen and an investment for our future, it seriously freaks me.  The lose of my dad was by far the biggest foundation shaker.  It is hard to come to terms with the fact that my dad had no happiness and no hope so much so that he wanted to check out early.  He will not be here to watch his grandchildren grow up or to be there for his kids when they think being a grown up sucks.  I am sad and angry but there is really nothing else to it.  What's done is done.

I have often felt like a misshapen puzzle piece who has no puzzle to belong to.  My root biological family has broken up into their new families pushing me into a more supporting character.  I have also been feeling that way at work lately.  They will schedule me for 24-32 hours but week won't move me to a part time status.  It is frustrating.  I feel lost and if I fail I am alone and no one will have my back.  Adam is a sweetheart and he tries but he can't make up for the lack of parents I have to fall back on.  I keep searching for a place where I feel safe and that I'm just okay the way I am but I'm afraid that is a hole that will never be able to be filled. Now it's time to move on.  I have a son to raise to be a good man, another baby to adopt somewhere in the world, and a husband to impress.  

So what do I want out of 2013:

• I want to train for and run a half marathon
• I want to drink less soda and more water
• I want to eat more fruits and veggies
• I want to cook more
• I want to get my feet wet by working in a home health setting
• I want to be more social and make new friends
• I also want to take more risks and stop playing so safe
• I want to be a better wife which includes stop nagging and start encouraging him to chase his dreams
• I want to be nicer and judge people less but at the same time stand up for myself if a toxic person is taking advantage of that.
• and last but not least I want to organize my time better so to spend as much quality time possible with my little man.